So far, my December has been a little bit too out of control. First, I had almost started a small business with a habitual sex assaulter. Now, meaning in the past week, I was again gaslighted by a seemingly outstanding student. I’m not going to lie to you: being intentionally manipulated and gaslighted twice during such a short period of time isn’t something I thought I’d experience. Yet here I am, start doubting my judgment.

Manipulators and gaslighters are everywhere, this I know. When I was doing my PhD, I witnessed one professor being manipulated by a student, who was, in my opinion, a master manipulator. The professor was a nice person, and it was exactly this niceness that got her being manipulated by the student. A niceness without the shield of self-love, that is. The student controlled the professor to the extent that the professor came to the campus to meet just with the student on a weekend day, within an hour of receiving the student’s email. To me as a bystander, the whole thing looked crazy. Didn’t the professor know she was being used? She was certainly aware of her discomfort and uneasiness whenever she met with the student or received an email from the student. But too occupied by her work, she didn’t have the mental space or the time to pause and reflect on what was happening. Eventually, she stopped advising the student because she couldn’t take it anymore. When I asked her about the student, she hand-waved the incident, saying that he was just a student who didn’t really know his way, so he was a little desperate. I disagreed, and I was surprised that after being hurt by the student, this professor still didn’t seem to learn the lesson. The professor didn’t take the student seriously. She didn’t think a twenty-something student could be an intentional, highly experienced manipulator. I think it was exactly her negligence that allowed the student to manipulate her for so long.

A few days ago, I ran into a Wired video on YouTube, talking about how cult works. “Essentially,” the host, a “cult deprogrammer,” says, “following a cult is being in a manipulative relationship with the cult leader.” The cult leader manipulates you, and you accept the situation willingly, with no awareness of your own peril. But how do people fall prey in the first place? The host says the key is “isolation.” When a person is isolated, no matter physically, psychologically, or both, the person becomes extremely prone to manipulation because they can’t retain their clear view and judgment without other people acting as their points of reference. If the only person one can turn to is a narcissistic cult leader, well, then one is bound to be manipulated.

Reflecting on my own situation, the isolation is stark. I’m new to the education industry, and I live in a different country with over ten hours of time difference to China. Won’t all these marks of isolation be easily taken advantage of, if that’s my students’ or colleagues’ intention? Being the isolated teacher who has no idea how things should work or to whom she can turn for help, I become an easy target of exploitation. By now, I can only say that at least I sensed something was wrong and my hunch didn’t betray me. I’m relieved that I spotted the alarming signals and acted quickly enough to save myself from further danger before any serious harm ensued. Unlike the professor I mentioned earlier, I hope I’ve learned a lesson. A lesson that isn’t about “never trusting anyone suspicious,” (because how can you tell who is suspicious?) but “being sensitive to the isolation that I might be experiencing.” And also, to know that everyone can be manipulated. So when the time comes, I’ll also look out for myself, instead of ignorantly ruling myself out.